First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
