If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
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You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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