You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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