I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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