No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
