did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he quoted the bible to break up with me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
