Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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