just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
