it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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