i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
