I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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