he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
