you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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