my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize