I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
