i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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