I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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