Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
