shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
