theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
