after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
