honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Acid is not a monday night drug
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
