By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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