this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
