I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
