You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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