How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
