Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
