i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
