I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
