I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Little spoons don't ask big questions
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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