12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
