Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
