i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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