it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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