It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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