Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
