fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
