He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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