I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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