my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
