I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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