just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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