someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
