If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
