My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Randomize
