so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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