6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
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You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
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Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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