the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Randomize
