and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
