he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
