It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
