woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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