Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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