...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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