Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
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