I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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